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Jun 11 2026 You’re the Grandparent, Not the Parent: What Does That Mean?

Categories:
Becoming a Grandparent, Family Dynamics, Grandparent
Ages:
Adult, All Age Children

By Adrian Kalikow

The following guidelines were drawn from interviews with 160 parents of young children.

You are a grandparent! You have a grandchild to love and spoil and teach. This child brings a blessing, a promise of the continuation of your family and a daily reminder of the miracle of birth and the exquisite beauty of human life.

Still, this is not your child.

Two things happened the moment your adult children told you they were expecting.

    1. You began to see your children as parents.

    2. You began to shift your own role to that of grandparent.

What are the implications of this enormous shift in role redefinition, and how can you navigate it to ensure sh’lom bayit — a strong, healthy parent-adult child relationship and a positive grandparent-grandchild relationship?

Below are 8 tips for keeping relationships with your adult children harmonious now that they are parents themselves:

1. Listen

Whether your children are telling you how long to let the baby cry, how the new car seat works, or simply venting to you about their sleepless nights, listen without giving advice. The letters of the word LISTEN are the same as those in the word SILENT. Listen silently. Ask how you can support them. Only offer your opinion if they ask for it.

2. Trust them

You had your chance to be a parent, to learn from mistakes, and to grow into your role as your children grew. Now it’s their turn. Trust that you were a good teacher. Believe in the child you raised, along with the person with whom they’ve decided to share their journey. Give them a chance to grow and learn, with your support and without any judgment.

3. Be respectful of your children

Take your children seriously and give them the authority they deserve to parent as they see fit. Give them a chance to grow and learn, with your support, and without any judgment.

4. Be respectful of your grandchildren

Your children want to know that you respect their children as individuals, and, as their children grow, that you will take an interest in their lives and their pursuits. In this way, you will show that you love them for who they are, and are involved in what is important to them, not only to you.

5. The greatest gift you can give your family is your time

Show up. Be present. Give your time (even before they ask!) in ways that will help and support your children and make their lives easier. For example, offer to make or send dinner or take the grandkids out for the afternoon. Long-distance grandparents can give parents a break by doing story time or playtime virtually. You can even lead “tummy time” on FaceTime or WhatsApp with the parent’s device on the floor near the baby. Most grandchildren don’t really need more toys, and most parents would appreciate less clutter in their homes. What the parents and children really need is YOU!

6. Try to remember

Do you recall what it was like to not have slept well for weeks on end? Or, for grandmas, what it was like not to recognize your own body anymore? Or how frustrating it was to have your child throw the food you just prepared onto the floor? How overwhelming your love felt for a helpless little creature, and how unprepared you felt for meeting their needs? Or how bored you were, and how guilty you felt about feeling that way?

One new parent said, “Please try to remember what life was like when your kids were little, and be patient with us. Know that if we don’t immediately answer your call or call you right back or can’t make it down to visit next week or whatever else, it’s just because we are truly just crazy busy — not just with our own lives but with our kids’ lives too! We love you!”

7. “The Times They Are a-Changin'”

It may surprise you — with all your years of parenting experience — that you seem to feel your adult child doesn’t trust you to keep their children safe and thriving. You may be able to open the folding stroller, but will you be able to close it so you can drive the baby back home? And that beautiful crib you carefully stored away, well, it is not safe and will definitely not be used again. Present-day guidelines for sleeping, feeding, and learning are different from the ones you followed as a parent.

Your children don’t want you to take it personally when they choose to follow a different path than you would have chosen. They want you to realize their need to figure things out in their own way. When you step back and honor that, you are showing your support and confidence in their ability to be the best parents they can be for your precious grandchildren.

8. Show unconditional love

It is highly likely that your adult children want a warm and loving relationship with you. They also want you to accept their decisions and trust they are doing the best they can. They want you to respect the job they are doing as parents. They appreciate when you show up without judgment and with generosity and acceptance. They need you to:

  • Know when to step in to help, and know when to step out.
  • Understand the challenges they face without telling them how to fix them.
  • Share your time, stories, activities, and love with their children on whatever terms work for their family.
  • Trust that they’ve “got this.”

At the same time, just as when they were young, they need you to believe in them so they can believe in themselves.

Adrian Kalikow is a Certified Parent Coach.

All photos courtesy of Pexels